Same Posts, Same Ellie, New Blog...

Now, anyone that usually reads my blog will soon realise that this is not actually the one I normally use. I had a bit of a nightmare with my old blog. For some reason whenever I tried to follow someone's blog or comment on it, or even try to add a post, it would post it as my Dad? I don't really understand it, but I can't use it anymore. So this is the one that I will be using from now on:

www.ellsbells27.blogspot.com

The only thing I'm a bit gutted about having to start a new one is that I was doing pretty well in my old one. People had actually recognised that I posted quite a lot and I gained lots of lovely followers and got lots of views on it. That's now unfortuantely disappeared. And I would like all my followers back :(

Long long shift at work today. Started at 10 this morning in the shop, and probably wont finish at the Roller Disco until about midnight tonight. I don't mind working these sorts of days, as it keeps me busy, and I get some money out of it. But it is pretty knackering.

Since Monday I have been on a healthy eating diet, going to the gym, (well... once.. It still counts!) and trying to lose a bit of weight. Determined to get that summer bikini body. I agreed that I would treat myself once a week, and last night I caved and had a burger and chips from our local takeaway. The only upside with that - apart from tasting delicious - is that I felt really crap and bloated afterwards, and it made me really determined to lose this weight. So from Monday I will be going on the Slim Fast diet. 2 shakes a day, a few snacks and one evening  meal. Now I can see this being a little difficult for me because I don't particularly like milkshakes, but I WILL get this bikini body for my holiday that I WILL be going on this summer. Anyone thats been on the slim fast diet before know whether it's actually any good? Or am I just wasting my time when I should be shoving burgers down my throat.....

A La La La La Life Is Wonderful.

Over the last few days I have realised a few things:

• I am actually not that nice of a person. I moan too much, I focus only on the negative, and as soon as the slightest thing goes wrong I think the whole world is crashing down around me. I always think negatively of myself, I never do good enough, act good enough, and always say the wrong thing. I don't know where this state of mind comes from. Be it events from my childhood I'm not sure, and I don't think I will ever know, but no matter how much I have tried I couldn't seem to change it.
• When things are going wrong, or I am going through a tough time, instead of turning to the people that mean the most to me to tell them how I'm feeling, I take out my frustration or my anger out on them, and end up pushing them away. I always think that my problems are nobody else's business, and try to tackle the situation head on by myself, but just end up making things worse with the people closest to me.
• I can appear to be ungrateful of things that people do for me. Over my childhood, I have learnt not to show emotion. In my opinion, I used to see showing emotion as being weak, or vulnerable. I have learnt not to be the vulnerable one, I have learnt to be the rock, who if showed any emotion, everything would crumble.

The truth is that I'm actually not ungrateful for the things that people do for me. I do probably appreciate it more than the regular person, but I have trouble showing it. I know that this needs to change, because appearing to be an ungrateful selfish young woman is not a good trait to have. I need to learn to realise that instead of pushing the people away closest to me, to turn to them in my time of need, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and maybe things will not be that difficult, rather than having to deal with everything by myself. I also need to learn to see the wood for the trees, and realise that life isn't actually that bad. I know that my life could be a lot lot worse, and I am actually very lucky (even if I don't believe it myself sometimes) to have the friends and family around me, and the life that I do have. Bad happens to everyone, more so than others, but you've got to take the good with the bad, and out of the bad will come the good.

I have a lot of determination at the moment to get things back on track. I really want to get back into my designing, but I am struggling for motivation, which for me is frustrating in itself, because when I wasn't particularly interested in it I had lots of ideas and inspiration. I guess that's always the case.

The song below by Jason Mraz sums up how I should be feeling, it just takes me a while to get there. I will get there. In time.

“If you want more, you have to require more from yourself.”

I just read over my Dads latest blog post and it got me to thinking. The past few months I have been wondering what to do with my life. After basically being a college dropout I have got limited choices, seeing as nowadays you seem to need A Levels and good ones at that, or you need to be loaded to get anywhere past working in retail.

If theres one thing I really regret over the last few years it's the fact that I gave up. Gave up on college, on my own intelligence, and gave up on my will to want more. As a child I was always encouraged to try my hardest in everything, be it art, maths or any academic subject or even sport. And I always felt the need to live up to my parents expectations. Being the eldest child, I was seen to need to set an example of sorts for my younger sister.

All throughout primary school I was the smart one. The one who got top marks in everything, secondary school I was in top set, and received A's and B's for my GCSE results. I got to college and I seemed to get a different perspective on learning. For me, my 3 hours off a day were more important and that time to me was more precious than attending lectures and actually doinng something constructive with my life. I went through the first year and failed my exams. Thats when I thought that college maybe isn't something I can breeze through like school, and I might have to put in a bit of work, do a bit of revision, and listen a bit more. I resat my exams and got pretty good grades. I should have bloody hoped so. I worked so hard for those.

Then for some reason in the second year my attitude towards college and any work in general completely changed. I couldn't be bothered anymore. In my opinion, 14 years of education was enough, and I wanted to be out of there. I stopped going to any of my lessons, and spent my days watching tv and sleeping. I failed my second year and ended up leaving college with no A levels and a certificate for my fashion illustration course which I actually still attended.

At the time I thought that was the best life, doing nothing and getting away with it. It was such a novel idea to school, no one chasing me up wondering why I wasn't there, and I could come and go as I pleased. I realise now that the worst thing I could have done was not put in this work. It now leaves me completely restricted as to what I can do with my life. I have been looking into going back to college, or even starting an open university degree, but without the money, being over the age limit of getting college courses for free, and without any decent qualifications, I have found this a lot more difficult than anticipated. I am really struggling to decide what to do, and I will suggest to ANYONE that is thinking that none of your work is gonna be worth it, trust me, it is. I am now completely unsure of what I am able to do, and if I could go back in time and change it that is the one thing I would change.

The Clothes Make The Man.. Or Do They?

Have you ever wondered what goes through peoples minds when they wake up in the morning and look in the mirror? Do they think, yeah I look pretty good, or do they think they're a mess, or even all of the above?
I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and saw a bright eyed version of my normal self. For some reason this morning I was really awake, had a good nights sleep and even had time for breakfast this morning.

I went to Truro to see my Dad today. We went for lunch in this cute little cafe, which looked out onto Pydar Street. I could sit for hours and people watch. Hours. And never get bored. And whilst I'm probably in no position to judge what people look like, I always do it. It's a trait of mine I'm not too proud of. But on the other hand it can be very entertaining. These for one instance, should NEVER be worn under ANY circumstances.

 << I saw a guy wearing this but about 6 times puffier. And he was wearing it with red ankle swingers. Now I know more than most that these coats yes are very warm, and very comfortable (my Mum bought me one when I was abou 5, and along with my other fashion disasters I looked quite a sight.) but a guys reputation just goes out the window as soon as he dons this terrible jacket.

<<      Crocs should never even have been invented. Let alone sold to members of the vulnerable public who love nothing more than a comfy pair of shoes. And especially not to a middle aged lady who was wearing a gypsy skirt and socks with them.

Now whilst writing this I do feel a bit critical of the general public, but I just don't understand what goes through people's head when they get dressed in the morning. Okay, people that have no fashion sense may be genius's, or scientists, or they may help people in ways I could only dream of, but from my point of view, I don't see why it seems hard for people to put together an outfit, that if not on trend or looking good, but at least matching? Although, they may see the way I dress as unessessary and that they don't understand it, each to their own! I think my love and need of fashion and clothes came from the awful outfits my Mother dressed me in when I was younger, and because I despised them I must have subconsciously came to the conclusion that I needed to make an effort with fashion just because I had let it down so badly in my childhood.

On the subject of clothes, I had a massive sort out last night of my wardrobe and my room. I love having a sort out after a stressful day. It's an odd one but I feel it helps me unwind and I felt a lot better at the end of it. My main reason for sorting out my room was so my michievous little (not so little) sister wouldn't go through my things anymore. I buy quite expensive beauty products, and to find those half used, broken or msising completely is a little disheartening. It has happened over the last few years that I have been back at home and I thought it was a habit that might have been abandoned over time, but when the products got better, she got more curious. 

I got to sorting out my wardrobe. And I have even sorted it into categories by shelves. (I am never this organised so it is a little worrying). I now have shelves for each category of outfit. I have a shelf for my heels of course, (which may have to get a little bigger because it is full, and I can't buy anymore shoes and we cannot be having that); I have a shelf for my "you can go out looking socially acceptable wearing that" outfits, such as my high waisted skirts and tops, I have a shelf for "you really shouldn't be wearing that unless playing netball or sleeping, and if you do you're pretty much a lost cause" outfits, full of my tracksuits and hoodies, and I have my "Out with the girls on a night out" rail, where all my dresses hang proudly, kind of waiting to see which one would be picked on a Saturday night. Ha it sounds so lame writing this out but this is truly what was going through my head when I was re-arranging this. Now all I have to do is go to one shelf to decide what I want to look like today.

In other news, I have been listening to Emeli Sande's Album, Our Version Of Events. And it is amazing. She has an incredible voice, and I haven't stopped listening to her album since I put it on my ipod on Monday. This is my favourite track. It's not very good quality but it was the best I could find. Enjoy :)

Just For Schmucks?

Now I used to be one, among thousands of others that thought valentines day was a lame excuse for couples to act all... couply, i guess, toward each other. I am the first person to say that I hate public displays of affection. I mean, there are some things just best kept under wraps, and tonsil tennis is definately one of them. The whole valentines day is no different than any other day, when people take the opportunity to tell their loved one how they're feeling, and do special things to make their other half happy. In my opinion, this should not only happen once a year. This should happen every day. A simple 'I Love You' will suffice, smiles and cuddles. Thats all I need.

After being given a rose by my lovely boyfriend (which has never happened before, except for a fake one when I was about 15), I got to thinking that occasions such as valentines day were actually quite close to my heart, and that I enjoyed to be made to feel special. Obviously I do feel special most of the time when I'm around him, but this particular day more than most. And then when I got presented with two packets of pom bears, I came to the conclusion that he definately knows the simple way to my heart.

So being the old fashioned romantic that I am, I thought I'd cook dinner tonight. Make an effort in the kitchen and all that. And touch wood it has gone well so far. Who knew I was actually pretty good at the whole dinner thing? Candles, love hearts and confetti spread around the table, and yours faithfully (this hardly ever happens) actually making an effort in her appearance.

Now after the main course of chicken with cheese and chorizo, meditteranean vegetables and potatoes, I am truly stuffed. But with a glass of wine in my hand, and typing this with the other, I guess its time to crack on with dessert.

Happy Valentines Day :)

For Every Girl That Needs A Boost.

Hey you! Stop being unhappy with yourself. You are perfect. Stop wishing you looked like someone else or wishing people liked you as much as they like someone else. Stop trying to get attention from those who hurt you. Stop hating your body, your face and your personality. Love then. Without those things you wouldn't be you. And why would you want to be anyone else? Be confident with who you are. SMILE. It will draw people in. If anyone hates on you because you are unhappy with yourself then you stick your middle finger in the air and say screw it. My happiness will not depend on others anymore.



I found this on a friends facebook page and found it a must to post..

“Enthusiasm is excitement with inspiration, motivation, and a pinch of creativity.”

I went shopping in Plymouth on Sunday with a friend. After waking up early, phoning her numerous times to check she was actually awake after going out the night before, we got in the car and drove up there. My mission was simple: buy as many clothes as possible, seeing as I was bored with every item in my wardrobe.

When I got there I was sorely disappointed.

I found nothing. Normally at least something jumps out at me, but nothing did (well the odd ice cream colour jeans, but my legs are too long to fit in them), not even anything that I couldn't afford made me drool with excitement at how pretty it was. It seems to me like the fashion at the moment just is not me. Its either too fussy, too flouncy, too frumpy, or too boring. There seems to be nothing to meet in the middle. And thats what I like. The middle man. Nothing too fussy, but with a bit of detail, and something thats not too plain that I need to accessorise the hell out of it. Frustrating, because after a whole day shopping, eating burger king, and nursing a hungover Cara who had to sit down in every shop whilst I perused and walked out feeling deflated and refusing to give up, I returned with 2 pairs of leggings and a top. And a plain top at that. It's coral, so I guess it's not too boring, but I definately have to team it with jewellery or another top to make it look like I've actually made an effort. Just to make me feel better I had to buy a beautiful new bag before leaving too, to add to my massive collection, just to make me feel like the whole trip wasn't a complete waste of time. (Well thats the excuse I'm using anyway).

When I got home I did some online shopping as I was feeling down about my failed shopping trip. But not for clothes this time. I went onto Paperchase and spent £30 on stationary. Now most people would find this pretty crazy, but stationary is another one of my obsessions. I have to have everything. And seeing as I'm trying to get back into my designing, I thought there wasn't a better time to purchase a new sketchbook and pretty accessories. I now have everything I should need when it comes to my illustrations. And this time I refuse to let anyone tell me that my work is not good enough.

Now all I need is the inspiration.

“I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.”

I have been quite ill recently so have been struggling with blog posts, as my lack of motivation didn't seem to expand past moving out of my bed for 3 days. I hate being ill, I feel so useless. Anyone that knows me will know that I tend to be ill more than your average person. Always coming down with whatever is going round at the time. This time I came down with pharyngitus. It's a horrible virus where your throat swells up and you can't eat. As you can imagine, for me (a lover of food) this was a major issue. A diet of mashed potato and soup for 3 days just really was not appealing. So I tried to rebel against this illness and try eating things such as baguettes or crisps; then failing when my throat felt like it had been sliced apart, and retreated back to the mash, feeling like a failure.

On the plus side, I have found a way to have a heater next to me in work, so whilst writing this I am toasty warm, which is a rarity seeing as the last month of Saturdays I have been sat too cold to write, read or do anything except for huddle in my numerous layers of clothing and pray for 2 o'clock to come around. Of course at 2 o'clock my day is far from over. I work at a Roller Disco afterwards, and it is actually quite a laugh, seeing as I am pretty useless at roller skating. Whilst there, I have fallen on my ass more times than the children there. I have no sense of balance, and it doesn't matter how much I practice and try to get better at it, nothing seems to work. All the rest of the staff seem to have it down to a tee, doing fancy twirls and spins. I'm lucky if I can skate in a straight line. Don't even get me started on trying to turn a corner. Then we are in trouble.

Off to Plymouth tomorrow with Cara. Haven't been shopping in so long (internet shopping doesn't count, seeing as I don't actually have to move anywhere to own shiny new clothes), and am really looking forward to it. I don't think my wardrobe is looking forward to the prospects of having to hold even more clothes however, seeing as it is already bursting at the seams, and if it holds anymore it may well collapse. Friends think I'm crazy when I say I have nothing to wear. I'm the type of person that has to buy a new dress EVERY time I go on a night out with the girls, or a dinner date with the boyfriend, or even new pj's for just chilling in the house. For me, I don't feel comfortable or like I look good if I don't have a new dress or outfit to prance around in...

And I wonder why I am always poor?

Creative Minds Are Rarely Tidy.

I actually do love the place I live in. St Ives is a gorgeous place, you'd be crazy not to. Even though I do constantly complain about it and say how I'd love to leave, secretly I think I'd miss the beaches and my family if I ever did leave.

I'd love to work in fashion. I did a fashion illustration course a few years ago and I thought yeah, this is definately for me. But after being shot down by my vile textiles teacher telling me that my work isn't good enough to be doing it in university (and although she was the only person who thought this), it completely shot my confidence and I quit that idea. It's only recently that I've thought about taking it up again.

My family mean the world to me. And I know that this is quite a cliche, but they really do. I don't ever tell them. I've had my ups and downs with probably every single person. But at the end of the day family is family. And those are the people that will always be there for me.

I cannot save money for toffee. I wish I could. The minute I get paid it's like it has to be spent. I can't have it just sitting there in my account. Be it the newest phone or ipod, or most of the time clothes. I am now getting to the point where I cannot fit any more clothes in my wardrobe, but I keep buying more. And for some reason I still have nothing to wear.

I have really big dimples. And I can't stand them. But whenever anyone mentions that I have dimples I smile and just re-iterate the fact that they are massive. And I just can't seem to escape from them.

I'd love to write my own book someday. I don't know what about, or if I could actually acheive something as big as that. But I love writing, and I love reading. I'd love to write something that people would actually enjoy reading.

I don't think I've ever been 100% happy with myself. Theres always something inside me niggling at me. In my mind I can never do anything absolutely right. There is always room for improvement. Be it on my fashion portfolio, my appearance or my work. I spend hours getting ready for a night out and I'm never content with how I look no matter how much I try. I spend ages designing at work and I always think I can do better, but for some reason my mind won't let me.

My life is always filled with music. It sounds pretty gay but I love anything to do with it. I find there's always a song to go with a moment, to remind you of someone or something, or to block out anything going through your mind. I'm never without my ipod, or not listening to some sort of music.

Adele - Hiding My Heart

Ed Sheeran - Autumn Leaves

Foo Fighters - My Hero

Little Pickers Wear Bigger Knickers..

I think that after eating 10 sausage rolls and spaghetti for dinner, I can come to the desicion eating issues are not really a problem for me anymore. The only problem I seem to have around food is that I eat too much of it. My new years resolution (like most people after plumping up over christmas) was to go to the gym, do more exercise and lose some weight.

The no carbs diet I went on lasted for 2 weeks. I ate lettuce and soup, and drank nothing but water. Although I would still be hungry all the time no matter how much salad I seemed to shove down my throat. My craving for pizza and crisps just became too much and I caved. I felt awful afterwards, because I basically undid all the work I had done those two weeks... but like an alcoholic is with booze, I had to be weaned of pizza slowly, a bit at a time... not go cold turkey straight away as I had found out! This sounds ridiculous I know but all I could think about was when I could eat junk food! A diet of lettuce leaves just isn't for me.

I had actually lost a bit of weight, I kept looking in the mirror every day and seeing my wine belly slowly disappearing. I got back into my netball and played once or twice a week, and generally felt better about myself. I started putting more of an effort into my appearance and stopped drinking. I found that this was a big contributer into my tummy appearing, and sure enough, when I cut off the wine, my tummy disappeared.

Although it didn't last. I thought that getting thin again would happen overnight. That I could eat a whole lettuce and all of a sudden I'd be svelte and have the longed for bikini body. In the famous words of Winnie the Pooh "how long does getting thin take?"

I still haven't been to the gym.

"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake."

Every Girls Dream.

When I was 16, I did some work experience at a local bridal house. It was my dream job, I had (and still have) a life that revolved around fashion, clothes and design. I got to try on pretty dresses, help with fittings, and dress the window. For many people, a simple thing like window dressing is a chore and not something to be enjoyed. But I spent hours, making sure everything was perfect, picking a colour scheme, dresses and accessories to match and placed them just so in the window. Every time I walked past that shop I felt a sense of pride and admiration for my work, the fact that I did that, and yeah it looked pretty good.

To be offered a part time job alongside my school work at the end of it was the cherry on top of the amazing week I had working there. The thing I loved most about my job was that I got to help women choose their wedding dress. For many women, I have learnt that the dress is one of the most important aspects of their entire wedding, and the fact that  I got to help out with that made me feel like the job I was doing was worthwhile, and they always walked out happy.

With my recent eating habits, I had lost a lot of weight, and I was a tiny size zero. I knew I was getting thinner, but I didn't care. I had been asked to model in a lot of fashion shows, and catwalks, so I thought the fact that I was thin was helping me get opportunities to model. I loved getting my hair and make up done, and being shown attention from them. My boss gave me a pair of heels and told me she needed me to put them on and walk down the catwalk in front of me. There was a few issues that I had with this. One: I had never worn heels... and walked in them, and two, it was in front of hundreds of people. Normally, I don't have a problem with big crowds of people, but when they are all staring at you parading down a catwalk in a wedding dress, then I have a bit of an issue with that. The whole time, I was thinking that I was going to trip, or fall, or make an arse out of myself somehow, I normally did. I'm sure my Dad nearly had a heart attack that day when he saw me walk down the catwalk with a white wedding dress on at 16.

For my dinner and dance, I got to choose a dress from the shop to have and wear. I chose an amazing powder blue chiffon dress, with multi coloured diamonte's over the top. It was beautiful. Only downside was that when I put it on, it just hung off me. It was a size 14, and I nearly cried when I tried it on and just saw my collarbone sticking out. I really had gotten that skinny. And it just looked awful on me. The seamstress did an amazing job, but she had to take it in to a tiny size 4, and it was still a little too big. But as usual I pretended like everything was fine and dandy and I carried on pretending I was the happiest girl alive.

It was that day when I looked in the mirror at the shop and saw the dress hanging off of my skeleton of a body that I realised something in my life had to change. Starting with mealtimes.

You Don't Choose Your Family. They Are Simply God's Gift To You. As You Are To Them.

The next event I significantly remember is one that changed my life forever.

I was 16 years old. And in the middle of my GCSE exams. Being too lazy to set an alarm to get up for school, my Dad would come up in the morning and wake me up at 7.45 before he went to work. Then one morning, he came upstairs and woke me up, and said, 'I'm not coming home tonight, I will see you soon'... and then left. I thought this was odd in itself, as my Dad never spent a night away from home unless he was working. But he wasn't away working. He was leaving.

I went to school as normal. and pretended like nothing had happened, as to be honest I didn't really understand what was going on. It was only when I got home and saw my Mum crying that it actually sunk in. What I was told this morning was actually happening. It wasn't just a dream as I'd hoped. She had a piece of paper in her hands which I took off of her and read through. What I read was something I wished that I would have never had to read, ever. My Dad had left. Not just my Mum, but me and Meg too. Being the eldest I did whatever any eldest child would do; I hid my feelings, and became the grown up of the family. Meg was only 12, so didn't really understand properly what was going on, but I did the best I could to protect her from the truth, as an older sister would. So that she wouldn't hurt the way that I was.

For the next few months whilst everyone was taking in the news, I became the rock of the family. Whenever Mum needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. Whenever Meg asked me where Dad was, or when he was coming home, I was there to explain. I cooked meals, that no one ate, I tried to ask questions, that no one answered. I stopped eating, I became skeletal. I didn't have any appetite for months. Just the thought that my perfect family had been ripped from underneath me and it no longer existed was enough to make me sick. What happened to my perfect life? What happened to my perfect childhood? In my eyes it no longer existed.

I ate so little that all my clothes soon began to hang off me. I was merely a frame of my former self, surviving on as little food as possible so I could carry on with my everyday life. But it semeed to me that this was the only thing I had control of in my life at this present time, my eating habits. My family had been torn apart, my Nan was no longer around, everything in my life seemed to have shattered around me and there was nothing I had control of anymore.

My attitude changed completely. Instead of being the nice, good gestured girl at school, I was now full of venom, and hate, and I seemed to get in trouble with all of the teachers. Which they could see was not like me. When asked about it, I simply told them it was none of their business and went about my everyday life. Why was it their problem? Why should they be probing in my personal life? Right now I only had one concern and that was to care for what was left of my family.

At the time I had so many emotions running through my mind. Not just how my Dad could leave my Mum, but how he could walk away from me and Megan. How dare he. I was so angry, not because he walked away from me - I would cope with that in time -  but because he left my 12 year old sister without a Dad to come home to at night, for her to come home to a family that existed in body but not in spirit since being broken apart.

It took me a very long time to forgive my Dad. A very long time. There is the odd time where I do wonder what my life would be like now if they were still together. But then I know that I wouldn't be as happy as I am now. Both my Mum and my Dad have new partners. And seem really happy. It's weird to think that my family has grown twice the size since this has happened, but I can see now it was the best thing to do. I couldn't even imagine them being together now because of the different people that they have become. They are both happy, and me and Meg have grown to learn to be happy for both of them. After all, we get 2 bedrooms, 2 christmasses, 2 birthdays... Whats not to like out of that?

We Are Stronger Here Together, Than We Could Ever Be Alone...

Have you ever met that one person, that just seems to understand you? Everything that you go through, everything that you think, they just get you.

I met that person at a beach party one summer. If I recall rightly, I hid his shoes in a bush whilst he was sleeping by the fire. I'd never spoken to him before, but I thought it'd be a laugh, as one does after a few too many drinks. He chased after me and wouldn't leave me alone until I told him where his shoes were. Me being the flirt I am, delayed finding his shoes for a good 20 minutes just so I got to talk to him.

We started talking and fast became close. We'd go for walks down the to the beach and look at the stars. He would tell me about all the constellations that he knew about (I pretended to look like I knew what he was on about, but really I had no clue and just gave a smile and nodded occasionally). We had competitions to see who could throw sweets the highest in the air, (being nearly 16, I was genuinely impressed by this) and catch them in their mouths. There was one occasion where it went so high it touched a branch of a tree before it came back down and he caught it in his mouth. Needless to say I was extremely impressed by this and I knew that someone that had the ability to do this had to be mine...

Tomorrow we are celebrating 5 years together. We have our ups and downs like any couple does, but we have a pretty amazing thing going. He has been there for me through thick and thin, whenever I need a moan (which apparently I do rather regularly, but I don't seem to notice), or a shoulder to cry on, or someone to have a laugh with. He's my best friend, and I believe my soul mate. I like the comfort and safety of having someone like him there, even if its just a text or a phone call to let me know he's thinking of me. I just hope one day that I get to be there for him as much as he has been there for me.

I love you to the moon and back.

Your Bells. xx

Wherever You Will Go.

I was 12 years old. And i was in my last year of primary school. I took part in this after school club and I remember going out of the school gates and finding my Dad standing there. I knew something was wrong from that moment as my Dad worked until 7pm every night so except for the very rare day off I would always walk home with my friends. I remember looking at his face and instantly knowing something was wrong.

The news he told me broke me. I knew my Nan was ill, but my Nan was my best friend, I could never have imagined her not being there, not being there to talk to, dance with or even just to see smile. She had the most cheeky smile. The afternoon I was told that she died I will never ever forget. I went into my room and just broke down. I hated that there was nothing I could do to help, and there was nothing that I could've done to stop it. We all just had to grieve in our own way, and support each other where necessary. I cut off all communication with my friends, family; I didn't talk to anyone for days. I just couldn't believe it. If she wasn't in my life anymore I didn't want anyone else to be. I felt like my whole world had come crashing down around me. I could have won the lottery that week and I wouldn't have cared. I would have (and still would) trade all the money in the world for her to come back into my life.

Since then everything I have done I have done to make her proud. And I hope I have. There isn't a day where I don't miss her. This week will have been 9 years since she died, and I will never forget the day it happened. But I also know that she's watching over me, saying how proud she is of everything I have accomplished and I know that she will carry on to watch over me as I grow older.

I know we'll meet again one day Nan, but until then, you are forever in my thoughts and my heart, and I hope I make you proud.
P.S. I've even grown my nails for you. I know how much you wanted me to do that when you were around. Now I can wear your ring and it looks beautiful. ♥

In Three Words I Can Sum Up Everything I've Learnt About Life - 'It Goes On'.

I am one of the few people in this world that can proudly say that I had a (near as damnit) perfect childhood. I went on lavish holidays to the likes of Disneyworld in Florida, got driven around in a posh car that my Dad brought home from work that day, and we were pretty much the perfect family, me, my mum, dad and sister.

The one occasion that will always stick in my mind is when my sister was born. I was 4, (and blonde I might add, before my hair turning a dark brown colour much to my disappointment) and thought everything in the world was much bigger than me and I was amazed by anything and everything. My Mum had gone into labour, and her and my Dad were at the hospital. I was taken to my Nan and Grandads, where I was to spend the night. I got bored as 4 year olds do so my Nan fashioned me up a den of sorts, made out of the sofa cushions and bed sheets. I spent all night lying on the floor with my Nan in the dark with a flashlight pretending to look up at the stars whilst eating chinese takeaway.

I loved school as a child, I had loads of friends, boyfriends, the lot. I was pretty smart and found learning a doddle, which not many people do. I went through primary school whilst my mum dressed me in hideous fashions, such as a pair of lime green cycle shorts with white daisy's on, (which I am certain holds some of the blame for my problems nowadays) or a summer dress - which back then was considered my worst nightmare, being a typical tom boy who loved nothing else but dressing in jeans hoodies and trainers.

My friends were so jealous of the life I had. I had my own bedroom for one, when all of them had to share. I could decorate it however I wanted, and have my friends over whenever I wanted where my Mum would cook up a dinner that any chef would be proud of. My Dad worked for several car companies, so would bring home the newest and flashest cars around and take me out for trips in them, showing me how fast they would go with music blasting out like the Foo Fighters and Guns and Roses, giving me the love of music that I had today.

Yeah, my life was pretty much perfect. Was. Little did I know what was to come in the future left nothing for my friends to be jealous of at all.