“If you want more, you have to require more from yourself.”

I just read over my Dads latest blog post and it got me to thinking. The past few months I have been wondering what to do with my life. After basically being a college dropout I have got limited choices, seeing as nowadays you seem to need A Levels and good ones at that, or you need to be loaded to get anywhere past working in retail.

If theres one thing I really regret over the last few years it's the fact that I gave up. Gave up on college, on my own intelligence, and gave up on my will to want more. As a child I was always encouraged to try my hardest in everything, be it art, maths or any academic subject or even sport. And I always felt the need to live up to my parents expectations. Being the eldest child, I was seen to need to set an example of sorts for my younger sister.

All throughout primary school I was the smart one. The one who got top marks in everything, secondary school I was in top set, and received A's and B's for my GCSE results. I got to college and I seemed to get a different perspective on learning. For me, my 3 hours off a day were more important and that time to me was more precious than attending lectures and actually doinng something constructive with my life. I went through the first year and failed my exams. Thats when I thought that college maybe isn't something I can breeze through like school, and I might have to put in a bit of work, do a bit of revision, and listen a bit more. I resat my exams and got pretty good grades. I should have bloody hoped so. I worked so hard for those.

Then for some reason in the second year my attitude towards college and any work in general completely changed. I couldn't be bothered anymore. In my opinion, 14 years of education was enough, and I wanted to be out of there. I stopped going to any of my lessons, and spent my days watching tv and sleeping. I failed my second year and ended up leaving college with no A levels and a certificate for my fashion illustration course which I actually still attended.

At the time I thought that was the best life, doing nothing and getting away with it. It was such a novel idea to school, no one chasing me up wondering why I wasn't there, and I could come and go as I pleased. I realise now that the worst thing I could have done was not put in this work. It now leaves me completely restricted as to what I can do with my life. I have been looking into going back to college, or even starting an open university degree, but without the money, being over the age limit of getting college courses for free, and without any decent qualifications, I have found this a lot more difficult than anticipated. I am really struggling to decide what to do, and I will suggest to ANYONE that is thinking that none of your work is gonna be worth it, trust me, it is. I am now completely unsure of what I am able to do, and if I could go back in time and change it that is the one thing I would change.