2012 Has Taught Me...

Okay so I took this idea from Twitter. #2012HasTaughtMe has been trending over the last few days, and it made me reflect on what 2012 has actually taught me. It has been a pretty difficult year, but I can gain a few things from this year, and - if the world doesn't end on Friday - carry them with me through to 2013.

• A bit of good can come out of everything. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it.
• People change. And this year has shown me the friends true to me, and ones not so much.
• Nothing is guaranteed. And I need to learn to appreciate the things I do have whilst I have them. I.e a loving boyfriend, and wonderful close friends and family.
• The time that I spend down in the dumps and upset about meanial things, I could be spending it being happy and not worrying so much. The less I worry, the happier I will be.
• To concentrate on myself, and the people that matter.
• New Year New Me. Yeah right. I like who I am at the moment and I don't intend to change.

This Christmas and New Year will be spent with the best people, having the best time and making amazing memories. Im sure lots will be drunk, lots will be eaten, and there will be lots of laughter. And as long as I am with friends and family to make it happen, I'm sure that the countdown to 2013 will be one of the best.

Christmassy London!

So now I feel kind of christmassy. At the moment I am up in Tunbridge Wells visiting my Dad. I love coming up here around Christmas time, when all of the streets are decorated and something going on everywhere you look. The above picture is one of my favourite places to visit when I'm in London. Absolutely love Carnaby Street.

So today I went for lunch with a friend who I haven't seen for a while, and even though it was very brief as she had to work, it was lovely to catch up with her. The bonus being that she works on a make up counter in Selfridges, so as well as christmas shopping I was a little cheeky and blagged myself a free makeover and samples from her. Visited Hamleys (I can't not when I'm up here, it's like I'm a little kid again), had some life size bear stroke my fur coat, someone blew bubbles in my face and tried shooting a toy dart at me - all in a days work I guess.

Tonight we are going to Frankie and Bennys for dinner. I've never been but been told it's amazing (I'm from a small town, us Cornish folk don't get around much). So I am going to eat a lot and spend some time with Dad and Gemma. Then tomorrow I'm going to the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, where I may try my luck at ice skating. I've never been, so I need to decide if it's worth risking breaking something before the busy festive period. And then to Covent Garden and Leicester Square. More Christmassy things yayyy.

In other news, I got a new tattoo! On my wrist, not my back as my Dad first thought. No, that bit at the bottom is not my arse crack, it's my hand.

Promotion for our new website!

Now, I'm not one to cover everything in spam and promote lots of different websites normally. But we have set up a new clothing website, and put SO much hard work into getting it done. Hours and hours of work has gone into designing items, and blogs and the website to make it how it is today.

We have set up a blog to go along with the website, you can find it at the link below:

http://hoodsandtshirts.blogspot.co.uk/

and we frequently update that with the latest offers and brand new products on our website. Please please follow the blog and read our posts!

Our website is www.hoodsandtshirts.co.uk
We add new items to it every day, with several different categories from 80s Fancy Dress to Twilight to X Factor! In the run up to christmas, there is bound to be something for everyone on this website.

You can follow us on twitter as well: @hoodsandtshirts

And like our facebook page! www.facebook.com/hoodsandtshirts

I would appreciate it if you could take a few minutes out of your day to do these things, and help us get our business off the ground!

Thank you :)

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be

I'm very excited this cold Saturday afternoon. Dad's coming down tonight. This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing him (last saw him September before my birthday), and it has been really difficult. But I'm so excited to see him. We have lots of things planned, including a shopping trip, lunch, dinner, and maybe a cinema trip. So by the end of this I will be very poor and tired, but I couldn't care less. :)

So the last few weeks have been a bit mental. It was Daniel's birthday, so we went out to the Rajpoot (the indian in St Ives) and for a few drinks afterwards. The Indian by us lets you bring your own alcohol, so me and Hannah picked up a few bottles of Pink Fizz - only the best of course - and we walked into the restaurant and sat down. Behind us were our classy boyfriends carrying basically a crate full of cider. The waiters face was a picture. Anyway, after lots of food and drink, and a fall down the stairs later, I was nursing a very sore head (and back) the next day!

 

So being Halloween weekend, naturally we went out the following night too. There was a Masked Ball at The Lizard, massive treck but definately worth it. Although the next morning when I got home, my bed has never ever looked more appealing to me. We saw an AMAZING band whilst there, called The Other Tribe. Our friends were really into them and in all honesty I hadn't a clue who they were. But as soon as they started playing a certain song it clicked who they were and I absolutely loved them. If you haven't checked them out before, seriously do. Amazing.

 

 

 

 

And tonight I am going to Penzance Meadery, to pig out on lots of food, drink some mead and have a catch up with a friend that I haven't seen for a few months. I like my life at the moment. Its good.



Finally 21, and legally able to do everything I've been doing since 15.

So last week was my 21st birthday. It was full of laughter, close friends, family and emotions. Over the last week I have had the time of my life, but I have also reflected on a few of my favourite memories throughout my life.

My Grandad came over on the morning of my birthday and brought a present with him. On the tag I found this:

And in the bag I found this:

For people that haven't read my blog before, my Nan died when I was 12. She was my best friend, and I have found her death really hard to come to terms with over the last 10 years. So to be given this on the morning of my birthday I was a little shaken up to say the least. At first I was a bit creeped out, but then my Grandad told me the story behind it.

Before my Nan died, she left some money. Some money for my Grandad to buy a 21st birthday present for me. I couldn't believe she thought that far ahead, 10 years into the future and thinking, I want to buy her a present. It matches the angel wings tattooed onto my back, and the charm is now on my bracelet permanently and never leaves my side and I am so happy she thought of doing this special thing in her last days here.

So later on in the day, I went back to my natural hair colour. I had been blonde for maybe 9 months, and whilst I loved it, I couldn't be arsed with the upkeep

Then I went for a meal with my family, pigged out on steak and cake, drank too much wine and too many cocktails, then went home to bed. Woke up the next morning feeling a little rough to say the least!

Saturday night I went out with all my friends. We drank lots of cocktails, took lots of photos, laughed way too much and had the most amazing night. 

Its birthdays that make you realise that it's the people closest to you and willing to make the effort that matter the most. My 21st birthday has made me realise I have the best and most thoughtful family and friends - even the ones that aren't with me today - and whilst I might not show it all the time, I am so so grateful that I have them in my life.

Love you all xxxxx

“Never too old, never too bad, never too late, never too sick to start from scratch once again.”

So a few weeks ago, my Dad managed to secure himself a new job. I am so chuffed for him, he deserves some good news in his life finally. After a year or two of being unemployed, and all the shit going down in our family, to see him achieve something he's gone after is so great. The only downside is that he has had to move away. He now lives in Tunbridge Wells, just outside of London.

Now I know what you're thinking, London is a GREAT place to be job-wise. And I completely agree. The people there make more money, and I love London as a whole. So in my opinion he is very lucky to be living there. But it's been difficult not having him a half hour train journey away when I need a Daddy cuddle, or to get away from the nightmares of everything for a while. Sundays with my Dad watching movies and eating popcorn were definitely the best. And I'm not saying they won't happen again, of course they will, it's just weird not being able to say "oh I'm going to come over today", I have to actually plan in advance. And that's something I'm not great at doing. 

From an unselfish point of view, this is probably the best thing for him to do. By far. I imagine leaving his fiance behind was difficult, but she's going to be joining him up there soon enough, and me and my sister can hop on a train whenever we like. But from a selfish point of view, it is going to be difficult not having him here to moan to over ham and eggs for lunch. 

Salad and Gin.

So this week I have had a bet with my boyfriend. We are both absolutely terrible at sticking to diets. Anyone that knows us will say this. Every single day I say "I'm not eating any more shit" or "I am giving up wine, look at my tummy". It lasts for a day or two and then I cave and go back to the way I was. So this week we challenged each other not to eat any carbohydrates for the week, and see how we go. And because he had such little faith in me, he said that he would outlast me and I would cave first. Obviously I wasn't going to let him lose, so I took the challenge head on.

It was only when I accepted the challenge that I actually realised it was a VERY strict diet. I live on pasta and bread, so there was no doubt in my mind that I was going to find this difficult. There was only so much rabbit food (i.e lettuce) I could eat, and only so much water I could drink without getting bored. But nevertheless I have given it my best shot, and 4 days in, I am still carb free.

The boyfriend said that I would feel a lot better in myself, and be happier if I cut out all the shit from my life. And I hate to say this, but hes bloody right. I feel great in myself, and in such a good mood. Even hungover today (from gin I might add, no wine was involved as this would also count as a loss to the challenge), I am in a good mood. And that is a rarity in itself. So maybe this whole diet business is a good thing. And I feel so much better for it, it's made me ever more determined to carry on!

Watch this space.. I'll be stick thin in no time.

God Save the Queen, for a 4 day Bender...

Now, I'm not a royalist as such, I don't really pay attention to anything the Royal Family are doing, and I reguarly think that we are paying for the Queen to hire someone to wipe her royal arse, but I am a sucker for a 4 day bank holiday and an excuse to get royally merry for a good cause.

Whilst I didn't get the whole 4 days off, I took full advantage of this weekend, and drank until my liver couldn't take anymore. So much so that by the 5th day, my body got the shakes and was asking where the daily supply of wine was. I got so used to having a hang over during the day that I actually started to cope at work and just went about my daily business whilst feeling like I want to vom instead of being bed bound and moaning how ill I feel.

Sunday night I met a friend after work and played catch up whilst they were pissed and dancing to a beatles tribute band. After 5 squashed frogs, 2 raspberry vodkas, 5 apple sours and double vodkas and orange juices coming out of my ears I was happily dancing along to 'let it be' by Sir Paul McCartney (well, said friend thought it actually was him and tried hassling him for a photo, when I sensibly realised it was actually just an old man with a bullet wig), when they finished their set... So in true Super Sunday style we took bottles of wine to the beach and proceeded to drink down there until one of us passed out. All in all a good night, resulting in finding my boyfriend half naked 100 metres passed out from his house...

Who said the Royal Family were such duds? The excuse to party 4 days straight seems a pretty good idea to me! Cheers Queenie!

Sunshine, Sun, Seagulls and Sunbathing.

So it seems that summer has finally descended on St Ives. This is the time of the year that the town shows its beauty. Amazing sunsets, gorgeous beaches and market stalls along the harbour.

I am definately a summer person. Call it cheesy but I feel so much happier during the summer. Everyone instantly becomes more laid back, whether they're working or not, and that's what I love. Also the fact that everyone finds it acceptable to go and drink wine on the beach and have a BBQ is a plus I guess too! Nothing better than putting all my winter clothes and layers to one side and digging out my summer skirts and sandals. Although this year it looks like I'll be having to fake bake rather than actual bake...

However, now is the time of year where the tourists descend. St Ives will now be a hustle and bustle town until October. And whilst sometimes this is nice, it does get a bit irritating a few weeks in when you can't get on your bus to work because there's too many people on it already, or you're late for something because of the way they stroll through the streets. (To be fair, if I were on holiday I would probably do the same, but I'm not. So they're not allowed). Or if they feed the seagulls and then the seagulls think it's perfectly acceptable to steal my lunch. (yes I know I'm probably rambling and sounding like an old woman but its little things like this that really irritate me).

So to get myself in a summery mood I have created a summer playlist to stick on my ipod. Bit gay yes, but I love nothing better than lying in my back garden with a bit of Ben Howard or Jason Mraz on my Ipod speakers. Even though this summer I will be working a ridiculous amount, my promise to myself is to chill out a bit more, relax, and walk more - whether that be to work or to meet friends - I can't complain much then if at least I am out in the sun a little bit. I wind myself up too much about stupid things, and get myself in a foul mood. But my new rule is, that when the suns out, I must be happy. No matter how much I want to be annoyed when I have to be stuck in work listening to people about how beautiful the weather is....

No News is Good News.... Right?

I'm off to London on Monday for the week to stay with a friend. If I'm honest, I think it's exactly what I need right now to take my mind off things. My family had a bit of bad news this week, and to be honest I am pretty gutted about it. I'm not going to say much more about it as it wouldn't be fair, but it's one of those biggies that will change my family life, and the way people feel. So right now, that's all I can think about, and my mind keeps coming up with if's and but's, and whether things are likely to get better rather than worse. And it has taken me a few days to realise that it isn't going to get better, and we need to come to terms with this.

I'm pretty good at being the rock in my family. When things really matter, I keep my feelings all tied up inside me, and get on with life. It's what I've been brought up to do. Look after everyone else. And this is what I'm going to do this time too. As long as everyone else is okay, then I will be too. I have to be, for everyone else. I was the rock when my Dad left, I was the rock when my Nan died, and I will be the rock this time. So I apologise for the break in my blogging, but right now my family comes first, and it will do for the forseeable future.

I'm going to London to get away for a bit. Distract me from said recent events. Theres nothing like an Oxford Street shopping trip and wine dinner with one of my best friends to take my mind off things for a bit. I'm looking forward to catching up with a few friends that I hardly ever see.

So I can't remember the last time I posted on here, but I got myself another job. Waitressing in a little Italian restaurant in St Ives called Peppers. I've always loved the food, and I love the social side that waitressing gives me (plus tips are obviously a huge bonus!). At the moment I just work there on the weekends, and my other job during the week as normal. During the summer this will increase to quite a few days during the week, so I will be flitting about here there and everywhere and not sleeping much, but by September I WILL have my Macbook Pro to replace my extremely poorly netbook.

Absent Mind.

Okay. So I haven't blogged in over a month. And as much as I wish I could blame lack of motivation, I can't. There have been so many things going on in my life that have been dying to escape out of me, but I don't feel it does the other people close to my heart justice to describe what has been going on in my life. What I will say is this:

There are few things I regret in my life, but I came to realise that cutting my Grandparents out of my life was one of the biggest ones of all. Due to circumstances that I will not go into, and coming so close to losing one of them this last month, it has made me realise that I need to stop being so bloody stubborn, and when my family need me, I go and help them. I don't sit back and watch them struggle. It wasn't their fault my family went to pot all these years ago, but I took it out on them anyway. And that wasn't right. But now I will cherish every moment with them, as no one knows what's around the corner.

There are few people in my life that I thought would be there through thick and thin. And mostly in that area, I was right. But there is one particular person who has been there through all of this, and I wouldn't have been able to do it without him. A shoulder to cry on, a punch bag when I need to rant, and most of all the person I come home to at night and he's always there with a cuddle and a smile, telling me everything's going to be okay. And he has been the person that has kept me going, and our relationship is so much more precious to me than it has ever been.

And whilst I miss writing all of my thoughts and feelings down, it has been nice to confide in him, and for him to reassure me. As it's something I have needed in my life recently. And I am so grateful to him for that. And whilst this won't be the end of my blogging, it has made me realise that I love the people near and dear to me more than they can imagine.

A-Z of me. Harder than I thought!

So I thought I'd jump on the bandwagon and do one of these A-Z of things I love. I actually decided to write it about a week ago, but it took me so long to think of things I love! So here goes:

A - Animal Kingdom in Florida. The best holiday of all time. When my family was still one piece, I was young, and still found everything fascinating. I loved the tree of life too. Incredible.

B - The Beach. I always say I hate it, but I know that living in the place that I do I take it completely for granted. It is a stunning place and I think I'd really miss it if I left.

C - Cuddles. This one I think goes without saying. Cuddles with Daniel. In my opinion absolutely nothing better. And this leads me nicely to my next letter.

D - Daniel. My life. And the one person that will be there for me no matter what. He understands me. And I believe he's my soulmate.

D - Dad. Okay yes another 'D', but this one deserves it. My Dad is the one person in my family that I can always trust to help me out in a bad situation. He means the world to me and I probably don't tell him this enough.

E - Exercise. I wish I did more of it now, because I used to be so sporty and I love it. I love the feeling of accomplishment you get afterwards.

F - Fashion. I love anything to do with fashion as anyone reading my blog will know. I just wish I had the motivation to follow my dreams, as cheesey as it sounds.

G - Godrevey Beach. I used to come here all the time with my Nan, sit up on the coves and watch the dolphins. Definately my favourite place. A lot of good memories up there.

H - Haribo Strawbs. This sounds like a bit of a gay one but it's kind of mine and Danny's thing. Competitions to see who can throw it up the highest and catch it in their mouth. I won. Obviously. Ha, I wish. I sucked.

I - Inspiration. I love the feeling I get when I get inspiration. For new designs, new outfits, new blog posts, anything.

J - Jewellery. I have several bracelets on my wrist that all mean different things to me. A few necklaces, and a few rings. All from different friends or family and with different meanings. They mean a hell of a lot to me.

K - Kindle. I don't know what I'd do without it now. I absolutely love my kindle. I read a hell of a lot, and this goes everywhere with me. So much easier than carrying a book!

L - Lazy Days. Whether it be movies with the boyf, catch ups with friends or even a chill out day by myself. After a week of working, I normally use a Sunday for a lazy day just to refresh myself.

M - My Hero by The Foo Fighters. Probably my all time favourite song. And I thank my Daddy for introducing me to the world of amazing music.

N - Netball. Pretty much the same as the sport thing. I play Goal Attack, and absolutely love it. Have played it since I was about 10.

O - Ollie. There was no question about this letter. My border collie 14 year old pooch means the world to me. He's always extremely good company and is always up for a cuddle.

P - Photos. There isn't really a need to explain this one. They hold a lot of fantastic memories.

Q - Quiet. After a long day at work there isn't anything more I like than coming home to a peaceful house (not that it EVER happens) and chilling out for an hour to unwind.

R - Reading. I think that reading helps me to escape from the shit happening in my world and go into the world of the character of the book. Sounds like a queer persons view, but I could read a book for hours and never get bored.

S - Sunsets. Sitting on the beach in the summer watching the sunset with a bottle of wine and a few friends is a perfect summer evening.

T - Teddies. Again, being 20 years old you'd think I have grown out of this habit by now. And I have, but there is clearly a few I would never get rid of, as they were given to me by extremely special people.

U - Ukelele. Okay, so maybe not for me personally, as I don't have a musical bone in my body. But I love hearing my sister play it. The talent that comes out of that girl and a small guitar is untrue.

V - Vampires. I have a small obsession with the twilight films. Not for any particular reason apart from the fact I really LOVE the books.

W - Writing. I think my whole blog explains this in itself.

X - Xabec. The gem of a villa that I found for me and my friends to stay in in Menorca. 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, a basketball court and a swimming pool. And we payed £30 each for the week. Amazing place and one of the best holidays.

Y - Yawning. I just love sleep ha.

Z - Zebra Print. Or any other animal print. Obviously not all together. Just a few accessories or shoes will do me just fine.


Okay, so the last two were a bit silly and pointless, but at least I got one for every letter?!

But If You're Too Big To Follow River, How You Ever Gonna Find The Sea?

One last thing I never added to my other post, this song is incredible. I love the lyrics in it, it's such a nice song. And I just love Emeli Sande. Admiration bit over, seriously listen to it.

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.”

Lately I have taken a bit of a break from blogging. There isn't really a particular reason for this, but it has given me a bit of time to reflect on a few things:

Due to recent events, I have realised that there are very few people I can trust in this lonely world. And in order to find out who these people are, I have distanced myself from quite a few friends and family to give me time to think. I have found out that some people are not who I thought they were, and are very deceiving and sly. Being nearly 21, I have grown out of such childish behaviours and my time will from now on be spent with the people who make an effort with me - not the people who I have to make an effort with in order to receive any sort of communication with. I will also be very careful what I say to who, as the town I live in is very small, gossip is spread and twisted in ways I never thought was possible.

I was watching 90210 the other week, and felt extremely sorry for Ivy and Raj. I know anyone reading this would think 'how pathetic, writing about a pretend tv series'. But Raj has cancer, and lied to his wife telling her he didn't want to be with her anymore, but in reality he didn't want to tell her that he was dying, and didn't want to hurt her. Someone I know very young, passed away last week due to this horrible illness, and it has made me realise that no matter that no matter the type of person (and it never seems to be the bad people), that cancer is not fussy who's life it takes over. My Nan for example was the nicest, sweetest woman ever, and cancer took over her life, making her into an unrecognizable woman. Now, call me cynical, but if there was a God in this world, horrible illnesses like this would not exist. And because of this I believe that there is no such thing.

I went out at the weekend and lost my entire wallet. It's not until this happened that I realise how much I need certain things in my life: a driving liscence and a bank card included. I searched everywhere, but to no avail. I cancelled my card and ordered myself a new liscence, but I can't help but think if I wasn't so irresponsible (and after a few lectures from certain family members), that this wouldn't have happened. I got given the night off work to be able to go out and if I was working I know that this wouldn't have happened. When will I learn that alcohol does bad things to me, and I need to learn to be more responsible!

Probably won't happen, but I'd like to think it will. Someday.

Doctor: 'Do you know what's wrong?'

So it's been about a week since I last posted. I've been really busy with work and such that I haven't really had time. And when I have had time I have slept. I know where my priorities lie really. My bed.

Went to the doctors a few days ago about the really nasty cough I have had for months. Don't really know why it has taken me this long to get it seen to, it really has become a nightmare. Although after seeing the doctors on Monday I now know why I have waited this long. Doctors are shit. I waited for 40 minutes for a Doctor to see me, and after checking out my heartbeat, pulse and lungs for about 20 minutes, he turns around and tells me that he doesn't know. And even gets to the point of asking me what I thought it was?
Ummm, now I'm no genius, but if I knew what it was surely I wouldn't be here? So he gives me an inhaler, thinking it could be the start of asthma, which I don't think it is in the slightest.. and sends me on my way. £8 for a prescription I don't really need and a doctor who hasn't a sky blue what is wrong with me. It was definately a trip worth making.

Have actually been in quite a good mood recently, bar the illness and all that. I have been doing exercise quite a bit. Well. When I say quite a bit I mean I went to the gym one night and played a netball match another, but it's still a lot more than I'm used to. And I feel a lot better for it. I want to sleep more, granted, but slowly I can see my tummy disappearing. And that bit I like. I can see why people get hooked on exercise. (not that it will EVER happen to me).

Off to see a friend in Taunton on Saturday for the weekend. It'll be good to get out of St Ives if only for one night. It's a nice town and everything but it does get a little claustrophobic if you stick around for too long without a break. The only problem I'm having is that on this weekend we are going to be going out. And on a night out at home, it takes me 2 hours and several changes of outfits until I walk out the door feeling satisfied. Having to decide what I want to wear Saturday night, tomorrow, is going to be a problem. For starters, I don't know if I'm going to have a fat day or a thin day, and of course my outfit depends entirely on that outcome. Second, I've never been out there before, and I don't know what it's like, so flats AND heels are going to have to be included, jackets or cardigans, tights or no tights, etc, etc..

I may as well just stop stressing and take my WHOLE wardrobe. A little over the top yes. But then catered for every occasion.

On second thoughts, probably not such a good idea.

Same Posts, Same Ellie, New Blog...

Now, anyone that usually reads my blog will soon realise that this is not actually the one I normally use. I had a bit of a nightmare with my old blog. For some reason whenever I tried to follow someone's blog or comment on it, or even try to add a post, it would post it as my Dad? I don't really understand it, but I can't use it anymore. So this is the one that I will be using from now on:

www.ellsbells27.blogspot.com

The only thing I'm a bit gutted about having to start a new one is that I was doing pretty well in my old one. People had actually recognised that I posted quite a lot and I gained lots of lovely followers and got lots of views on it. That's now unfortuantely disappeared. And I would like all my followers back :(

Long long shift at work today. Started at 10 this morning in the shop, and probably wont finish at the Roller Disco until about midnight tonight. I don't mind working these sorts of days, as it keeps me busy, and I get some money out of it. But it is pretty knackering.

Since Monday I have been on a healthy eating diet, going to the gym, (well... once.. It still counts!) and trying to lose a bit of weight. Determined to get that summer bikini body. I agreed that I would treat myself once a week, and last night I caved and had a burger and chips from our local takeaway. The only upside with that - apart from tasting delicious - is that I felt really crap and bloated afterwards, and it made me really determined to lose this weight. So from Monday I will be going on the Slim Fast diet. 2 shakes a day, a few snacks and one evening  meal. Now I can see this being a little difficult for me because I don't particularly like milkshakes, but I WILL get this bikini body for my holiday that I WILL be going on this summer. Anyone thats been on the slim fast diet before know whether it's actually any good? Or am I just wasting my time when I should be shoving burgers down my throat.....

A La La La La Life Is Wonderful.

Over the last few days I have realised a few things:

• I am actually not that nice of a person. I moan too much, I focus only on the negative, and as soon as the slightest thing goes wrong I think the whole world is crashing down around me. I always think negatively of myself, I never do good enough, act good enough, and always say the wrong thing. I don't know where this state of mind comes from. Be it events from my childhood I'm not sure, and I don't think I will ever know, but no matter how much I have tried I couldn't seem to change it.
• When things are going wrong, or I am going through a tough time, instead of turning to the people that mean the most to me to tell them how I'm feeling, I take out my frustration or my anger out on them, and end up pushing them away. I always think that my problems are nobody else's business, and try to tackle the situation head on by myself, but just end up making things worse with the people closest to me.
• I can appear to be ungrateful of things that people do for me. Over my childhood, I have learnt not to show emotion. In my opinion, I used to see showing emotion as being weak, or vulnerable. I have learnt not to be the vulnerable one, I have learnt to be the rock, who if showed any emotion, everything would crumble.

The truth is that I'm actually not ungrateful for the things that people do for me. I do probably appreciate it more than the regular person, but I have trouble showing it. I know that this needs to change, because appearing to be an ungrateful selfish young woman is not a good trait to have. I need to learn to realise that instead of pushing the people away closest to me, to turn to them in my time of need, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and maybe things will not be that difficult, rather than having to deal with everything by myself. I also need to learn to see the wood for the trees, and realise that life isn't actually that bad. I know that my life could be a lot lot worse, and I am actually very lucky (even if I don't believe it myself sometimes) to have the friends and family around me, and the life that I do have. Bad happens to everyone, more so than others, but you've got to take the good with the bad, and out of the bad will come the good.

I have a lot of determination at the moment to get things back on track. I really want to get back into my designing, but I am struggling for motivation, which for me is frustrating in itself, because when I wasn't particularly interested in it I had lots of ideas and inspiration. I guess that's always the case.

The song below by Jason Mraz sums up how I should be feeling, it just takes me a while to get there. I will get there. In time.

“If you want more, you have to require more from yourself.”

I just read over my Dads latest blog post and it got me to thinking. The past few months I have been wondering what to do with my life. After basically being a college dropout I have got limited choices, seeing as nowadays you seem to need A Levels and good ones at that, or you need to be loaded to get anywhere past working in retail.

If theres one thing I really regret over the last few years it's the fact that I gave up. Gave up on college, on my own intelligence, and gave up on my will to want more. As a child I was always encouraged to try my hardest in everything, be it art, maths or any academic subject or even sport. And I always felt the need to live up to my parents expectations. Being the eldest child, I was seen to need to set an example of sorts for my younger sister.

All throughout primary school I was the smart one. The one who got top marks in everything, secondary school I was in top set, and received A's and B's for my GCSE results. I got to college and I seemed to get a different perspective on learning. For me, my 3 hours off a day were more important and that time to me was more precious than attending lectures and actually doinng something constructive with my life. I went through the first year and failed my exams. Thats when I thought that college maybe isn't something I can breeze through like school, and I might have to put in a bit of work, do a bit of revision, and listen a bit more. I resat my exams and got pretty good grades. I should have bloody hoped so. I worked so hard for those.

Then for some reason in the second year my attitude towards college and any work in general completely changed. I couldn't be bothered anymore. In my opinion, 14 years of education was enough, and I wanted to be out of there. I stopped going to any of my lessons, and spent my days watching tv and sleeping. I failed my second year and ended up leaving college with no A levels and a certificate for my fashion illustration course which I actually still attended.

At the time I thought that was the best life, doing nothing and getting away with it. It was such a novel idea to school, no one chasing me up wondering why I wasn't there, and I could come and go as I pleased. I realise now that the worst thing I could have done was not put in this work. It now leaves me completely restricted as to what I can do with my life. I have been looking into going back to college, or even starting an open university degree, but without the money, being over the age limit of getting college courses for free, and without any decent qualifications, I have found this a lot more difficult than anticipated. I am really struggling to decide what to do, and I will suggest to ANYONE that is thinking that none of your work is gonna be worth it, trust me, it is. I am now completely unsure of what I am able to do, and if I could go back in time and change it that is the one thing I would change.

The Clothes Make The Man.. Or Do They?

Have you ever wondered what goes through peoples minds when they wake up in the morning and look in the mirror? Do they think, yeah I look pretty good, or do they think they're a mess, or even all of the above?
I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and saw a bright eyed version of my normal self. For some reason this morning I was really awake, had a good nights sleep and even had time for breakfast this morning.

I went to Truro to see my Dad today. We went for lunch in this cute little cafe, which looked out onto Pydar Street. I could sit for hours and people watch. Hours. And never get bored. And whilst I'm probably in no position to judge what people look like, I always do it. It's a trait of mine I'm not too proud of. But on the other hand it can be very entertaining. These for one instance, should NEVER be worn under ANY circumstances.

 << I saw a guy wearing this but about 6 times puffier. And he was wearing it with red ankle swingers. Now I know more than most that these coats yes are very warm, and very comfortable (my Mum bought me one when I was abou 5, and along with my other fashion disasters I looked quite a sight.) but a guys reputation just goes out the window as soon as he dons this terrible jacket.

<<      Crocs should never even have been invented. Let alone sold to members of the vulnerable public who love nothing more than a comfy pair of shoes. And especially not to a middle aged lady who was wearing a gypsy skirt and socks with them.

Now whilst writing this I do feel a bit critical of the general public, but I just don't understand what goes through people's head when they get dressed in the morning. Okay, people that have no fashion sense may be genius's, or scientists, or they may help people in ways I could only dream of, but from my point of view, I don't see why it seems hard for people to put together an outfit, that if not on trend or looking good, but at least matching? Although, they may see the way I dress as unessessary and that they don't understand it, each to their own! I think my love and need of fashion and clothes came from the awful outfits my Mother dressed me in when I was younger, and because I despised them I must have subconsciously came to the conclusion that I needed to make an effort with fashion just because I had let it down so badly in my childhood.

On the subject of clothes, I had a massive sort out last night of my wardrobe and my room. I love having a sort out after a stressful day. It's an odd one but I feel it helps me unwind and I felt a lot better at the end of it. My main reason for sorting out my room was so my michievous little (not so little) sister wouldn't go through my things anymore. I buy quite expensive beauty products, and to find those half used, broken or msising completely is a little disheartening. It has happened over the last few years that I have been back at home and I thought it was a habit that might have been abandoned over time, but when the products got better, she got more curious. 

I got to sorting out my wardrobe. And I have even sorted it into categories by shelves. (I am never this organised so it is a little worrying). I now have shelves for each category of outfit. I have a shelf for my heels of course, (which may have to get a little bigger because it is full, and I can't buy anymore shoes and we cannot be having that); I have a shelf for my "you can go out looking socially acceptable wearing that" outfits, such as my high waisted skirts and tops, I have a shelf for "you really shouldn't be wearing that unless playing netball or sleeping, and if you do you're pretty much a lost cause" outfits, full of my tracksuits and hoodies, and I have my "Out with the girls on a night out" rail, where all my dresses hang proudly, kind of waiting to see which one would be picked on a Saturday night. Ha it sounds so lame writing this out but this is truly what was going through my head when I was re-arranging this. Now all I have to do is go to one shelf to decide what I want to look like today.

In other news, I have been listening to Emeli Sande's Album, Our Version Of Events. And it is amazing. She has an incredible voice, and I haven't stopped listening to her album since I put it on my ipod on Monday. This is my favourite track. It's not very good quality but it was the best I could find. Enjoy :)

Just For Schmucks?

Now I used to be one, among thousands of others that thought valentines day was a lame excuse for couples to act all... couply, i guess, toward each other. I am the first person to say that I hate public displays of affection. I mean, there are some things just best kept under wraps, and tonsil tennis is definately one of them. The whole valentines day is no different than any other day, when people take the opportunity to tell their loved one how they're feeling, and do special things to make their other half happy. In my opinion, this should not only happen once a year. This should happen every day. A simple 'I Love You' will suffice, smiles and cuddles. Thats all I need.

After being given a rose by my lovely boyfriend (which has never happened before, except for a fake one when I was about 15), I got to thinking that occasions such as valentines day were actually quite close to my heart, and that I enjoyed to be made to feel special. Obviously I do feel special most of the time when I'm around him, but this particular day more than most. And then when I got presented with two packets of pom bears, I came to the conclusion that he definately knows the simple way to my heart.

So being the old fashioned romantic that I am, I thought I'd cook dinner tonight. Make an effort in the kitchen and all that. And touch wood it has gone well so far. Who knew I was actually pretty good at the whole dinner thing? Candles, love hearts and confetti spread around the table, and yours faithfully (this hardly ever happens) actually making an effort in her appearance.

Now after the main course of chicken with cheese and chorizo, meditteranean vegetables and potatoes, I am truly stuffed. But with a glass of wine in my hand, and typing this with the other, I guess its time to crack on with dessert.

Happy Valentines Day :)

For Every Girl That Needs A Boost.

Hey you! Stop being unhappy with yourself. You are perfect. Stop wishing you looked like someone else or wishing people liked you as much as they like someone else. Stop trying to get attention from those who hurt you. Stop hating your body, your face and your personality. Love then. Without those things you wouldn't be you. And why would you want to be anyone else? Be confident with who you are. SMILE. It will draw people in. If anyone hates on you because you are unhappy with yourself then you stick your middle finger in the air and say screw it. My happiness will not depend on others anymore.



I found this on a friends facebook page and found it a must to post..

“Enthusiasm is excitement with inspiration, motivation, and a pinch of creativity.”

I went shopping in Plymouth on Sunday with a friend. After waking up early, phoning her numerous times to check she was actually awake after going out the night before, we got in the car and drove up there. My mission was simple: buy as many clothes as possible, seeing as I was bored with every item in my wardrobe.

When I got there I was sorely disappointed.

I found nothing. Normally at least something jumps out at me, but nothing did (well the odd ice cream colour jeans, but my legs are too long to fit in them), not even anything that I couldn't afford made me drool with excitement at how pretty it was. It seems to me like the fashion at the moment just is not me. Its either too fussy, too flouncy, too frumpy, or too boring. There seems to be nothing to meet in the middle. And thats what I like. The middle man. Nothing too fussy, but with a bit of detail, and something thats not too plain that I need to accessorise the hell out of it. Frustrating, because after a whole day shopping, eating burger king, and nursing a hungover Cara who had to sit down in every shop whilst I perused and walked out feeling deflated and refusing to give up, I returned with 2 pairs of leggings and a top. And a plain top at that. It's coral, so I guess it's not too boring, but I definately have to team it with jewellery or another top to make it look like I've actually made an effort. Just to make me feel better I had to buy a beautiful new bag before leaving too, to add to my massive collection, just to make me feel like the whole trip wasn't a complete waste of time. (Well thats the excuse I'm using anyway).

When I got home I did some online shopping as I was feeling down about my failed shopping trip. But not for clothes this time. I went onto Paperchase and spent £30 on stationary. Now most people would find this pretty crazy, but stationary is another one of my obsessions. I have to have everything. And seeing as I'm trying to get back into my designing, I thought there wasn't a better time to purchase a new sketchbook and pretty accessories. I now have everything I should need when it comes to my illustrations. And this time I refuse to let anyone tell me that my work is not good enough.

Now all I need is the inspiration.

“I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.”

I have been quite ill recently so have been struggling with blog posts, as my lack of motivation didn't seem to expand past moving out of my bed for 3 days. I hate being ill, I feel so useless. Anyone that knows me will know that I tend to be ill more than your average person. Always coming down with whatever is going round at the time. This time I came down with pharyngitus. It's a horrible virus where your throat swells up and you can't eat. As you can imagine, for me (a lover of food) this was a major issue. A diet of mashed potato and soup for 3 days just really was not appealing. So I tried to rebel against this illness and try eating things such as baguettes or crisps; then failing when my throat felt like it had been sliced apart, and retreated back to the mash, feeling like a failure.

On the plus side, I have found a way to have a heater next to me in work, so whilst writing this I am toasty warm, which is a rarity seeing as the last month of Saturdays I have been sat too cold to write, read or do anything except for huddle in my numerous layers of clothing and pray for 2 o'clock to come around. Of course at 2 o'clock my day is far from over. I work at a Roller Disco afterwards, and it is actually quite a laugh, seeing as I am pretty useless at roller skating. Whilst there, I have fallen on my ass more times than the children there. I have no sense of balance, and it doesn't matter how much I practice and try to get better at it, nothing seems to work. All the rest of the staff seem to have it down to a tee, doing fancy twirls and spins. I'm lucky if I can skate in a straight line. Don't even get me started on trying to turn a corner. Then we are in trouble.

Off to Plymouth tomorrow with Cara. Haven't been shopping in so long (internet shopping doesn't count, seeing as I don't actually have to move anywhere to own shiny new clothes), and am really looking forward to it. I don't think my wardrobe is looking forward to the prospects of having to hold even more clothes however, seeing as it is already bursting at the seams, and if it holds anymore it may well collapse. Friends think I'm crazy when I say I have nothing to wear. I'm the type of person that has to buy a new dress EVERY time I go on a night out with the girls, or a dinner date with the boyfriend, or even new pj's for just chilling in the house. For me, I don't feel comfortable or like I look good if I don't have a new dress or outfit to prance around in...

And I wonder why I am always poor?

Creative Minds Are Rarely Tidy.

I actually do love the place I live in. St Ives is a gorgeous place, you'd be crazy not to. Even though I do constantly complain about it and say how I'd love to leave, secretly I think I'd miss the beaches and my family if I ever did leave.

I'd love to work in fashion. I did a fashion illustration course a few years ago and I thought yeah, this is definately for me. But after being shot down by my vile textiles teacher telling me that my work isn't good enough to be doing it in university (and although she was the only person who thought this), it completely shot my confidence and I quit that idea. It's only recently that I've thought about taking it up again.

My family mean the world to me. And I know that this is quite a cliche, but they really do. I don't ever tell them. I've had my ups and downs with probably every single person. But at the end of the day family is family. And those are the people that will always be there for me.

I cannot save money for toffee. I wish I could. The minute I get paid it's like it has to be spent. I can't have it just sitting there in my account. Be it the newest phone or ipod, or most of the time clothes. I am now getting to the point where I cannot fit any more clothes in my wardrobe, but I keep buying more. And for some reason I still have nothing to wear.

I have really big dimples. And I can't stand them. But whenever anyone mentions that I have dimples I smile and just re-iterate the fact that they are massive. And I just can't seem to escape from them.

I'd love to write my own book someday. I don't know what about, or if I could actually acheive something as big as that. But I love writing, and I love reading. I'd love to write something that people would actually enjoy reading.

I don't think I've ever been 100% happy with myself. Theres always something inside me niggling at me. In my mind I can never do anything absolutely right. There is always room for improvement. Be it on my fashion portfolio, my appearance or my work. I spend hours getting ready for a night out and I'm never content with how I look no matter how much I try. I spend ages designing at work and I always think I can do better, but for some reason my mind won't let me.

My life is always filled with music. It sounds pretty gay but I love anything to do with it. I find there's always a song to go with a moment, to remind you of someone or something, or to block out anything going through your mind. I'm never without my ipod, or not listening to some sort of music.

Adele - Hiding My Heart

Ed Sheeran - Autumn Leaves

Foo Fighters - My Hero

Little Pickers Wear Bigger Knickers..

I think that after eating 10 sausage rolls and spaghetti for dinner, I can come to the desicion eating issues are not really a problem for me anymore. The only problem I seem to have around food is that I eat too much of it. My new years resolution (like most people after plumping up over christmas) was to go to the gym, do more exercise and lose some weight.

The no carbs diet I went on lasted for 2 weeks. I ate lettuce and soup, and drank nothing but water. Although I would still be hungry all the time no matter how much salad I seemed to shove down my throat. My craving for pizza and crisps just became too much and I caved. I felt awful afterwards, because I basically undid all the work I had done those two weeks... but like an alcoholic is with booze, I had to be weaned of pizza slowly, a bit at a time... not go cold turkey straight away as I had found out! This sounds ridiculous I know but all I could think about was when I could eat junk food! A diet of lettuce leaves just isn't for me.

I had actually lost a bit of weight, I kept looking in the mirror every day and seeing my wine belly slowly disappearing. I got back into my netball and played once or twice a week, and generally felt better about myself. I started putting more of an effort into my appearance and stopped drinking. I found that this was a big contributer into my tummy appearing, and sure enough, when I cut off the wine, my tummy disappeared.

Although it didn't last. I thought that getting thin again would happen overnight. That I could eat a whole lettuce and all of a sudden I'd be svelte and have the longed for bikini body. In the famous words of Winnie the Pooh "how long does getting thin take?"

I still haven't been to the gym.

"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake."

Every Girls Dream.

When I was 16, I did some work experience at a local bridal house. It was my dream job, I had (and still have) a life that revolved around fashion, clothes and design. I got to try on pretty dresses, help with fittings, and dress the window. For many people, a simple thing like window dressing is a chore and not something to be enjoyed. But I spent hours, making sure everything was perfect, picking a colour scheme, dresses and accessories to match and placed them just so in the window. Every time I walked past that shop I felt a sense of pride and admiration for my work, the fact that I did that, and yeah it looked pretty good.

To be offered a part time job alongside my school work at the end of it was the cherry on top of the amazing week I had working there. The thing I loved most about my job was that I got to help women choose their wedding dress. For many women, I have learnt that the dress is one of the most important aspects of their entire wedding, and the fact that  I got to help out with that made me feel like the job I was doing was worthwhile, and they always walked out happy.

With my recent eating habits, I had lost a lot of weight, and I was a tiny size zero. I knew I was getting thinner, but I didn't care. I had been asked to model in a lot of fashion shows, and catwalks, so I thought the fact that I was thin was helping me get opportunities to model. I loved getting my hair and make up done, and being shown attention from them. My boss gave me a pair of heels and told me she needed me to put them on and walk down the catwalk in front of me. There was a few issues that I had with this. One: I had never worn heels... and walked in them, and two, it was in front of hundreds of people. Normally, I don't have a problem with big crowds of people, but when they are all staring at you parading down a catwalk in a wedding dress, then I have a bit of an issue with that. The whole time, I was thinking that I was going to trip, or fall, or make an arse out of myself somehow, I normally did. I'm sure my Dad nearly had a heart attack that day when he saw me walk down the catwalk with a white wedding dress on at 16.

For my dinner and dance, I got to choose a dress from the shop to have and wear. I chose an amazing powder blue chiffon dress, with multi coloured diamonte's over the top. It was beautiful. Only downside was that when I put it on, it just hung off me. It was a size 14, and I nearly cried when I tried it on and just saw my collarbone sticking out. I really had gotten that skinny. And it just looked awful on me. The seamstress did an amazing job, but she had to take it in to a tiny size 4, and it was still a little too big. But as usual I pretended like everything was fine and dandy and I carried on pretending I was the happiest girl alive.

It was that day when I looked in the mirror at the shop and saw the dress hanging off of my skeleton of a body that I realised something in my life had to change. Starting with mealtimes.

You Don't Choose Your Family. They Are Simply God's Gift To You. As You Are To Them.

The next event I significantly remember is one that changed my life forever.

I was 16 years old. And in the middle of my GCSE exams. Being too lazy to set an alarm to get up for school, my Dad would come up in the morning and wake me up at 7.45 before he went to work. Then one morning, he came upstairs and woke me up, and said, 'I'm not coming home tonight, I will see you soon'... and then left. I thought this was odd in itself, as my Dad never spent a night away from home unless he was working. But he wasn't away working. He was leaving.

I went to school as normal. and pretended like nothing had happened, as to be honest I didn't really understand what was going on. It was only when I got home and saw my Mum crying that it actually sunk in. What I was told this morning was actually happening. It wasn't just a dream as I'd hoped. She had a piece of paper in her hands which I took off of her and read through. What I read was something I wished that I would have never had to read, ever. My Dad had left. Not just my Mum, but me and Meg too. Being the eldest I did whatever any eldest child would do; I hid my feelings, and became the grown up of the family. Meg was only 12, so didn't really understand properly what was going on, but I did the best I could to protect her from the truth, as an older sister would. So that she wouldn't hurt the way that I was.

For the next few months whilst everyone was taking in the news, I became the rock of the family. Whenever Mum needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. Whenever Meg asked me where Dad was, or when he was coming home, I was there to explain. I cooked meals, that no one ate, I tried to ask questions, that no one answered. I stopped eating, I became skeletal. I didn't have any appetite for months. Just the thought that my perfect family had been ripped from underneath me and it no longer existed was enough to make me sick. What happened to my perfect life? What happened to my perfect childhood? In my eyes it no longer existed.

I ate so little that all my clothes soon began to hang off me. I was merely a frame of my former self, surviving on as little food as possible so I could carry on with my everyday life. But it semeed to me that this was the only thing I had control of in my life at this present time, my eating habits. My family had been torn apart, my Nan was no longer around, everything in my life seemed to have shattered around me and there was nothing I had control of anymore.

My attitude changed completely. Instead of being the nice, good gestured girl at school, I was now full of venom, and hate, and I seemed to get in trouble with all of the teachers. Which they could see was not like me. When asked about it, I simply told them it was none of their business and went about my everyday life. Why was it their problem? Why should they be probing in my personal life? Right now I only had one concern and that was to care for what was left of my family.

At the time I had so many emotions running through my mind. Not just how my Dad could leave my Mum, but how he could walk away from me and Megan. How dare he. I was so angry, not because he walked away from me - I would cope with that in time -  but because he left my 12 year old sister without a Dad to come home to at night, for her to come home to a family that existed in body but not in spirit since being broken apart.

It took me a very long time to forgive my Dad. A very long time. There is the odd time where I do wonder what my life would be like now if they were still together. But then I know that I wouldn't be as happy as I am now. Both my Mum and my Dad have new partners. And seem really happy. It's weird to think that my family has grown twice the size since this has happened, but I can see now it was the best thing to do. I couldn't even imagine them being together now because of the different people that they have become. They are both happy, and me and Meg have grown to learn to be happy for both of them. After all, we get 2 bedrooms, 2 christmasses, 2 birthdays... Whats not to like out of that?

We Are Stronger Here Together, Than We Could Ever Be Alone...

Have you ever met that one person, that just seems to understand you? Everything that you go through, everything that you think, they just get you.

I met that person at a beach party one summer. If I recall rightly, I hid his shoes in a bush whilst he was sleeping by the fire. I'd never spoken to him before, but I thought it'd be a laugh, as one does after a few too many drinks. He chased after me and wouldn't leave me alone until I told him where his shoes were. Me being the flirt I am, delayed finding his shoes for a good 20 minutes just so I got to talk to him.

We started talking and fast became close. We'd go for walks down the to the beach and look at the stars. He would tell me about all the constellations that he knew about (I pretended to look like I knew what he was on about, but really I had no clue and just gave a smile and nodded occasionally). We had competitions to see who could throw sweets the highest in the air, (being nearly 16, I was genuinely impressed by this) and catch them in their mouths. There was one occasion where it went so high it touched a branch of a tree before it came back down and he caught it in his mouth. Needless to say I was extremely impressed by this and I knew that someone that had the ability to do this had to be mine...

Tomorrow we are celebrating 5 years together. We have our ups and downs like any couple does, but we have a pretty amazing thing going. He has been there for me through thick and thin, whenever I need a moan (which apparently I do rather regularly, but I don't seem to notice), or a shoulder to cry on, or someone to have a laugh with. He's my best friend, and I believe my soul mate. I like the comfort and safety of having someone like him there, even if its just a text or a phone call to let me know he's thinking of me. I just hope one day that I get to be there for him as much as he has been there for me.

I love you to the moon and back.

Your Bells. xx

Wherever You Will Go.

I was 12 years old. And i was in my last year of primary school. I took part in this after school club and I remember going out of the school gates and finding my Dad standing there. I knew something was wrong from that moment as my Dad worked until 7pm every night so except for the very rare day off I would always walk home with my friends. I remember looking at his face and instantly knowing something was wrong.

The news he told me broke me. I knew my Nan was ill, but my Nan was my best friend, I could never have imagined her not being there, not being there to talk to, dance with or even just to see smile. She had the most cheeky smile. The afternoon I was told that she died I will never ever forget. I went into my room and just broke down. I hated that there was nothing I could do to help, and there was nothing that I could've done to stop it. We all just had to grieve in our own way, and support each other where necessary. I cut off all communication with my friends, family; I didn't talk to anyone for days. I just couldn't believe it. If she wasn't in my life anymore I didn't want anyone else to be. I felt like my whole world had come crashing down around me. I could have won the lottery that week and I wouldn't have cared. I would have (and still would) trade all the money in the world for her to come back into my life.

Since then everything I have done I have done to make her proud. And I hope I have. There isn't a day where I don't miss her. This week will have been 9 years since she died, and I will never forget the day it happened. But I also know that she's watching over me, saying how proud she is of everything I have accomplished and I know that she will carry on to watch over me as I grow older.

I know we'll meet again one day Nan, but until then, you are forever in my thoughts and my heart, and I hope I make you proud.
P.S. I've even grown my nails for you. I know how much you wanted me to do that when you were around. Now I can wear your ring and it looks beautiful. ♥

In Three Words I Can Sum Up Everything I've Learnt About Life - 'It Goes On'.

I am one of the few people in this world that can proudly say that I had a (near as damnit) perfect childhood. I went on lavish holidays to the likes of Disneyworld in Florida, got driven around in a posh car that my Dad brought home from work that day, and we were pretty much the perfect family, me, my mum, dad and sister.

The one occasion that will always stick in my mind is when my sister was born. I was 4, (and blonde I might add, before my hair turning a dark brown colour much to my disappointment) and thought everything in the world was much bigger than me and I was amazed by anything and everything. My Mum had gone into labour, and her and my Dad were at the hospital. I was taken to my Nan and Grandads, where I was to spend the night. I got bored as 4 year olds do so my Nan fashioned me up a den of sorts, made out of the sofa cushions and bed sheets. I spent all night lying on the floor with my Nan in the dark with a flashlight pretending to look up at the stars whilst eating chinese takeaway.

I loved school as a child, I had loads of friends, boyfriends, the lot. I was pretty smart and found learning a doddle, which not many people do. I went through primary school whilst my mum dressed me in hideous fashions, such as a pair of lime green cycle shorts with white daisy's on, (which I am certain holds some of the blame for my problems nowadays) or a summer dress - which back then was considered my worst nightmare, being a typical tom boy who loved nothing else but dressing in jeans hoodies and trainers.

My friends were so jealous of the life I had. I had my own bedroom for one, when all of them had to share. I could decorate it however I wanted, and have my friends over whenever I wanted where my Mum would cook up a dinner that any chef would be proud of. My Dad worked for several car companies, so would bring home the newest and flashest cars around and take me out for trips in them, showing me how fast they would go with music blasting out like the Foo Fighters and Guns and Roses, giving me the love of music that I had today.

Yeah, my life was pretty much perfect. Was. Little did I know what was to come in the future left nothing for my friends to be jealous of at all.