A La La La La Life Is Wonderful.

Over the last few days I have realised a few things:

• I am actually not that nice of a person. I moan too much, I focus only on the negative, and as soon as the slightest thing goes wrong I think the whole world is crashing down around me. I always think negatively of myself, I never do good enough, act good enough, and always say the wrong thing. I don't know where this state of mind comes from. Be it events from my childhood I'm not sure, and I don't think I will ever know, but no matter how much I have tried I couldn't seem to change it.
• When things are going wrong, or I am going through a tough time, instead of turning to the people that mean the most to me to tell them how I'm feeling, I take out my frustration or my anger out on them, and end up pushing them away. I always think that my problems are nobody else's business, and try to tackle the situation head on by myself, but just end up making things worse with the people closest to me.
• I can appear to be ungrateful of things that people do for me. Over my childhood, I have learnt not to show emotion. In my opinion, I used to see showing emotion as being weak, or vulnerable. I have learnt not to be the vulnerable one, I have learnt to be the rock, who if showed any emotion, everything would crumble.

The truth is that I'm actually not ungrateful for the things that people do for me. I do probably appreciate it more than the regular person, but I have trouble showing it. I know that this needs to change, because appearing to be an ungrateful selfish young woman is not a good trait to have. I need to learn to realise that instead of pushing the people away closest to me, to turn to them in my time of need, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and maybe things will not be that difficult, rather than having to deal with everything by myself. I also need to learn to see the wood for the trees, and realise that life isn't actually that bad. I know that my life could be a lot lot worse, and I am actually very lucky (even if I don't believe it myself sometimes) to have the friends and family around me, and the life that I do have. Bad happens to everyone, more so than others, but you've got to take the good with the bad, and out of the bad will come the good.

I have a lot of determination at the moment to get things back on track. I really want to get back into my designing, but I am struggling for motivation, which for me is frustrating in itself, because when I wasn't particularly interested in it I had lots of ideas and inspiration. I guess that's always the case.

The song below by Jason Mraz sums up how I should be feeling, it just takes me a while to get there. I will get there. In time.